Give zero f*&ks about your career? Want to know how to really stick it to your boss? This article is for you. Let’s explore some options you have for how to quit a job through the little devils and angels that sit on our shoulders.

I have had the opportunity to manage a team of creatives for over a decade. I have watched a variety of individuals move on from the wondrous blessing that is working with me, to other less desirable jobs with the noticeable absence of me. While the lack of my glorious presence must be difficult to cope with, some people have decided to make it even worse by burning the bridge they have taken out of the organization so they may never return to bask in my brilliance*.
*just staying humble

For clarity, many of these individuals were very early in their careers. Most left my team in pursuit of seeing what else is out there because they had only ever experienced one or two jobs. Some wanted to see if the grass was greener in other pastures while others discovered they wanted to focus on more specialized forms of design. Then there were some that just hated that they had to keep walking the same earth as I do, let alone work with me.

As a professional it is important to know that you can’t win over everyone, and that every job isn’t the perfect fit for every person. We all have the right to seek our bliss, especially considering, on average, we spend about 30% of our lives at work. So, we hope to see each other off with grace and good intentions, that both employer and employee can maintain a connection that moves beyond sitting in the same building and into networking opportunities later.

Sometimes hope does not prevail. Red hot fiery rage immolates it to ash, and we stand over its corpse laughing maniacally at all the plans we have to stick it to the system. Looking your boss directly in the eye as you eviscerate them with all the things they didn’t know about themselves, then treating yourself to pizza, because dammit you deserve to celebrate going nuclear on that piece of garbage.

Let’s take a look at the basic Do’s and Don’ts with sample scenarios that can make or break an exit. After all, if you are going to burn the world down you may as well be making a conscious decision to do it, so you can salt the earth while you make your exit.*
*unless you actually care about your career or whatever

“Ok Preston, how much time should I give between telling my boss I am leaving and not ever having to see their face again?”

The Right Way
2 weeks. Minimum. Give more if you are on a big project. Close out your tenure letting everyone know you care and give them a reason to miss you. You never know when you will need a recommendation or even a path back if the grass isn’t greener at your new position. I have seen great people leave this way and it is a slap in the face that is hard to recover from. Also, if your new job is putting you in a position to not give that time, you may want to re-evaluate the decision to move to a company that is asking you to sacrifice your integrity before you even start.

The Wrong Way
Once you know you have the new job, the best approach here is to just disappear and never tell anyone you used to work with. Change your phone number, email, hair color, name, and use your uncle’s friend’s mom’s cousin to get yourself a new identity. Then, reapply to your old job with your new identity. When you get the call, walk into the office for the interview and scream, “You can never replace me!”, while laughing and pointing at all of the “friends” you used to work with.*
*dramatized because this is what I think happens when I have been professionally ghosted

“Let’s say I bless my previous employer with 2 more weeks of my very important time. What should that look like?”

The Right Way
Continue to work hard. As a manager who has seen people come and go, I not only notice, but all your coworkers do too. Remember, as a professional you are constantly networking, and just because you are not going to see these people every day does not mean you may meet up with them again in your career. Be proactive! Ask if there is anything you can do to help transition people onto your projects, make a list of all your work-related logins so your boss has them, tips and tricks for dealing with your clients including setting up introductions, etc. These small kindnesses go a long way and are a great way to leave a lasting good impression on everyone.

The Wrong Way
Take the rest of your unearned time off. Sure, you could be paid for your final two weeks, but that money doesn’t give you the satisfaction of watching everyone realize that you may as well be gone. If you do not have enough leave then just sit at your desk and browse YouTube. I mean, what are they going to do? Fire you? Make direct and sustained eye contact with anyone who notices so they know you know exactly what you are doing. Bonus points for learning how to wipe your computer from one of those fancy YouTube tutorials and destroying company property by completely deleting all files before leaving.*
*it’s been a long journey being a manager…yes this all happened.

“What about my coworkers? I like some of them and they need to know exactly why I am leaving in great detail, over and over again in my last two weeks.”

The Right Way
As the saying goes, “One person’s trash is another’s treasure.” Your own personal dumpster fire of a job may not work for you, but for your lunch buddy in the cube next to you it may be a perfect match. Even if you like your job, everyone likes to complain to their co-workers because you are on this journey together. It is healthy to vent your frustrations and bond with your team so you can support each other and take on the world together.

The problem is you have decided to leave the team. You are abandoning your fellow workday warriors in the trenches and leaving them short a person to battle against the rising tide of client emails and rush requests. As you walk away from the battle, taking a verbal $hi+ on the struggle is typically not remembered fondly. Each of those people you bonded with are a potential link to a future opportunity or business transaction, and the last memory they have of you is now trashing something they may value enough to keep up the good fight.

The Wrong Way
Not only do your friends need to know what a burning hellscape this job is, but the entire organization needs you to cast your wisdom upon them so they can experience the comforting warmth of your personal revelations. Why not send an email to the entire organization outlining exactly why everyone can go to hell? Not sure if it went through? Wait 30 minutes and resend the same email again from another account to ensure the spam filter can never catch you…you wily devil you.*
*I wish I could say this wasn’t 100% true.

“Finally! Time to leave! How should I make my grand escape?”

The Right Way
Congratulations, you did all the right things and are in your final moments at your soon to be previous place of employment. If management has felt it appropriate for the team to know of your departure, the best approach here is to walk around the office and say goodbye to the team. Thank each person for a way that they enriched you professionally or just exchange generic pleasantries.

Did someone treat you less than kindly but think they are the gift that keeps on giving? Say goodbye to them as well. No matter the situation, it never hurts to be the bigger person. Remember to smile, because in your head you know it is the last time you are required to be in their presence. Enjoy that…they don’t know the difference.

The Wrong Way
Don’t show up for your last day at all. Call in fake sick. That’s it.*
*not that interesting, but I’ve seen it and it’s very effective in leaving the worst impression possible.

“Great…I’m sick of reading. Let’s wrap this up so I can go get the fuel I need to set my professional life on fire.”

Humorous anecdotes aside, the obvious “right way” to how to quit a job involves professionalism and communication in any situation you encounter in your final weeks. I think the most important thing to remember is that while your endorphin fueled bad behavior might feel good in the moment, the only person it is hurting is you. You are cutting yourself off from a potential future resource that you have already put effort into, and on top of that you may be hurting the co-workers you respect by trying to damage the thing that keeps them financially secure.

While the “wrong way” scenarios in this article are definitely dramatic (and yet somehow still true), I have found it surprising how many experienced professionals make the same mistakes with just less fanfare. I have found that no matter how dramatic your exit is, if you are insulting people on your way out they will remember it. Poisoning all the good memories of your professional relationship.

So, for a few more weeks you smile and remember your professional values. It benefits everyone. Also, if nothing else, that little devil on your shoulder can enjoy the fact that your amazing work ethic and impressive decorum will remind your former employers how much they should miss you…long into the future.